Though I’m done posting with any sort of regularity, I can still make occasional posts as I see fit. A NYCFC Forums user named Nickp91 suggested someone should match eatch MLS team with a Walt Disney World attraction in honor of the MLS is Back Tournament draw taking place in WDW. Being a devoted fan of NYCFC, MLS, and the Magic Kingdom, I took up the task. What follows is a slightly reorganized reprint of what I posted in the forums. Let’s begin with a little something I put together in honor of NYCFC’s first official game back in 2015.
Now the list:
Swiss Family Treehouse
Colorado Rapids. You go up, you go down, but not much really happens and comparatively boring. Fitting for a team whose most famous player the last 5 years was a goal keeper.
Journey into Imagination with Figment
Nashville. Are we sure there’s a team in Nashville? I mean, I read reports, those reports said they were in the West, and after two supposed games they just stopped playing and now they’re in the East? I don’t think it’s real.
Carousel of Progress
New England Revolution. A history of technology as it affects a typical American family, except the history stops in the 1990s just like MLS 1.0.
Prince Charming Regal Carousel
You are in a country whose reason for existing was a revolt against monarchy, then name yourself using the Spanish word for “royal” and insist everyone pronounce it with an accent — in Utah. You get a merry-go-round with the word “regal” in it.
The Seas with Nemo & Friends
Inter Miami. You think it might be cool but in the end it’s boring with pretty colors.
Triceratop Spin
The Red Bulls. This ride is nothing more than a retread of Dumbo, rebranded with a horned animal.
Astro Orbiter
Houston Dynamo. A team that rebranded and relocated to Houston gets Elevated Dumbo: This Time in Outer Space.
Splash Mountain
Seattle Sounders. It’s a pretty lame ride with little to recommend it, you always end up wet, and a bunch of animatronic characters never shut up. Then suddenly at at the end it gets pretty spectacular.
Space Mountain
Vancouver Whitecaps. Neither roller coasters nor soccer stadiums should be indoors. Space Mountain is the least of the Magic Kingdoms’ 3 “mountain” rides, just like the third wheel in the Cascadia Cup.
Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
Portland Timbers. Not the best or most exciting coaster, but solid and delivers decent thrills with a somewhat overdone bit of corny western charm.
It’s A Small World
Atlanta United. Another ride that never shuts up. But no matter how much you want to ignore it, and get that song out of your head, you can’t.
Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run
LA Galaxy. A world-class pedigree, but no longer top dog and falls apart without the right person at the helm.
Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance
LAFC. Fashionably of the moment but limitations mean a lot of people end up disappointed.
Star Tours — The Adventure Continues
San Jose Earthquakes. Hey! Remember me!?!? I’m Star Wars too. How come nobody cares any more!?!?!?
Seven Dwarfs Mine Train
FC Cincinnati. New but no longer fresh, and vaguely Germanic. Draws big crowds but inevitably small.
Enchanted Tiki Room
Montreal Impact. The only attraction where anyone has a French accent, yet it’s not even the main language featured and kind of forced.
Test Track
Orlando City SC. There’s a brief portion where you go very fast, but mostly the ride is pointlessly bumpy and shaky, and seems to break down more than any other. [Note: Thanks to Michael for the comment. Calling them the Magic was unintentional but probably a subconscious link.]
Jungle Cruise
Columbus Crew. This ride made sense when Disney World opened and had no live animals. Now with Animal Kingdom it has no purpose, but the public is inexplicably fond of it and any attempt to get rid of it would surely fail.
Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover
Sporting KC. Solid. Dependable. Hardly anyone loves it or hates it, but it serves a purpose.
Spaceship Earth
Chicago Fire. Another look back through history stuck a few decades in the past, though it is currently in the process of getting a makeover.
The Magic Carpets of Aladdin
Toronto FC. It’s foreign, but only sort of, and Americans play the most important roles.
Frozen Ever After
Minnesota United. Vaguely Nordic, but not as much as it used to be when it was Maelstrom.
The Haunted Mansion
FC Dallas. There’s no good reason why the Haunted Mansion is in Liberty Square just like there’s no reason FC Dallas (or the US Soccer HOF) is in Frisco.
Hall of Presidents
Philadelphia Union. Devoted to history but no matter who is in charge many are disappointed.
Hollywood Tower of Terror
DC United. Classic and was once a main attraction, but though still fun its glory days are in the past.
Expedition Everest
New York City FC. Starts like a typical roller coaster, has some great moments, then goes backwards for a while, rights itself towards the end but always ends up in the same place and some broken track means it never reaches the summit.